British Bulldog (an alternative guide)

British Bulldog

Initiation

Before the game can commence, one must 'drum up' interest in a manner which is in-keeping with the high-testosterone level needed to participate. It is possible to initiate the game alone but the results are far more effective with three to five people. Each member of the initiation party must put their arms around each other's shoulders, thus forming a kind of 'clothes line' and then chant the following mantra in unison: "Join in if you want to play British Bulldog". 

Join in if you want to play 'facing the wrong way'

The chant must be monotone and in no way jovial or jaunty. This chanting press-gang must march about the playground recruiting players; those who feel their masculinity has been thrown into question should they not join (or feel that they have something to prove) will place an arm around the person on the end of the line and join the chanting and marching. Once it is deemed that enough people have joined the line, the game can begin. This recruitment process usually lasts for the full duration of playtime, and those recruited should agree to reconvene at the next available window between lessons.

Selection of the Dog

As the title of the game suggests, one person must be selected to be the British Bulldog. This person must embody the spirit of all things British (Eggnog, Fish and Chips, fine rain etc.) and as such, is generally selected by default as they are the best fighter in the school. Another method of selecting the dog is by doing a 'dip' – this game's dip differs from other accepted dips as each player gathers in a circle and puts one foot forward (creating a circle of feet). 

Dip do, magazoo, who's got the worst shoe?

The person who initiated the game points at one shoe per syllable of a rhyme such as, 'My mother and your mother were hanging out the clothes. My mother gave your mother a punch on the nose (unprovoked).  What colour was the blood?'. The person whose shoe has been selected must then select a colour. The colour is spelled out (one shoe per letter in a clockwise fashion) and the person whose shoe is last to be pointed at is deemed to be the dog.

Field of play

It is a huge relief to be chosen as the dog; the reason for which will become clear later. The playing area should be a large open space bordered by two parallel walls known as 'bays'. Touching a wall renders you immune from capture and so the game begins with everyone (bar the dog who stands between the two walls) standing against one wall.

Nobody knows what they're playing, who's 'it' or what day it is

 Red Rover, calls you over

The dog or Red Rover in some variations of the game (which may be why Rover is such a popular name for dogs) then selects someone from the nervous throng clinging to the wall for dear life. The player selected first is either a slow runner, the worst fighter or 'due a kicking' from the dog for putting woodlice in their bag of crisps the other day when they weren't looking. The selected player must leave the wall they are sweatily pawing, and reach the one opposite without being tagged. Depending on whether adults are supervising, the dog can either touch the target player, capture them and pin them to the ground or grab them and pat them on the head whilst shouting the words 'One, two, three, British Bull Dog'. If the player is caught then he or she joins the dog in the middle for the next round. 

Charge! Why? Who cares?

Should the player evade capture and reach the other wall, a mass migration by the rest of the players from one wall to the other is signaled. During this passage of play, it is common for the dog to get trampled in the mêlée, unless the dog is Biffa (the school bully) – in which case, he can choose to capture anyone he is able to and they must then join him in the middle for the next round.

999

Play continues with the number of dogs increasing exponentially and a new player being called over and mauled. A scenario soon develops in which the entire school are dogs save for one nimble exhausted player, clinging to the wall as if it were a rope ladder dangling from an airborne helicopter. The glory of being the last player to be captured is inversely outweighed by the thought of being caught and pinned to the ground as someone will inevitably shout the words 'pile on' which invites everyone in earshot to lie on top of the one who has fallen. The game ends when the paramedics arrive.

"Does anyone else regret doing this and feel a bit weird now?  No? Just me?"


Read more 'Playground Olympics' in the book 'Playground Olympics : an alternative guide to playground games', available now from Amazon.  Click here for details.