Are you competitive?

Do you have a burning desire to be the best at everything you do?  Do you 'get down' and 'give' yourself 'five' every time you make a mistake? Then let's pretend it is Sports Day at your Junior School and do this test to find out whether you're top of the pops or down the shops.

1. It's the first event of the day, the sack race. What do you do?

(a) Pre-select the sack with the greatest aerodynamic qualities then practice behind the bushes an     

        hour before Sports Day starts.

(b) Try too hard, resulting in jumping out of the sack and landing face first on the grass.

(c) Participate with indifference and irritation.

(d) Call a halt to proceedings as the roughness of the Hessian used in the sacks exceeds safety 

        levels.

2. The next event is the sprint; essentially a race from the top of the field to the bottom. How do 

        you prepare?

(a) A combination of leg stretches, touching your toes and wind-milling your arms.

(b) By finding a dead wasp you can throw into the best-runner-in-the-school‟s face just as the 

        teacher shouts 'Go'.

(c) By ambling up to the start line while making a daisy chain.

(d) By outlining to the organisers that under no circumstances should the race be run in daylight 

        which exceeds ten thousand lux.

3. According to the agenda, it's the Egg and Spoon race next. What happens?

(a) You feel proud that you have trawled the shelves in Tesco for an egg that sits snugly into the 

        deepest spoon you could find.

(b) You hold the egg on the spoon with your thumb until told otherwise, stating that the rules were 

        not fully explained.

(c) You decide to walk at a constant speed, no matter what those around you are doing, then, when 

        you realise you are last, you speed up and drop your egg, causing it to smash and thus 

        eliminating you.

(d) You politely remind the organisers of the dangers posed by salmonella.

4. You notice a large net has been laid on the ground near the end of the running track. You 

        assume this means the obstacle course is next. What do you do?

(a) Walk through the course in your mind telling yourself that it is not strewn with obstacles, but 

        personal challenges to be overcome by positive thinking.

(b) Miss out as many obstacles as you can until told otherwise.

(c) Take each obstacle as it comes, until you get tangled up in a hula-hoop. Once you realise you are         last, just go through the motions until you finish the race.

(d) Perform a risk assessment on each obstacle paying particular attention to the potentially fatal 

        properties of the space hoppers.

5. You are handed a small green beanbag and told to line up on the start line. What do you do?

(a) Attempt to make the beanbag fit your head like two jigsaw pieces.

(b) Hold the beanbag on your head whilst sprinting towards the finish line. Even after 

        disqualification, it is still a victory in your mind.

(c) Put the beanbag on your head and plan to walk at a constant pace no matter what everyone else 

        is doing, until you realise you are last and then you run, causing the beanbag to fall from your 

        head thus disqualifying you.

(d) Hold a short training course on ergonomics, posture and how to prevent repetitive strain injury. 

        You then supervise the race and provide feedback to the participants afterwards.

6. You are ushered back to the start line and told to find a partner for the wheelbarrow race. You 

        are told to grab your partner's feet while they walk on their hands in front of you. What do you 

        do?

(a) Do one hundred push ups before the race in an attempt to strengthen your arms as you decide to 

        play the part of the wheelbarrow. Everyone else is too weak and pathetic.

(b) Start the race with roller skates strapped to your hands regardless of the rules.

(c) Choose someone you feel will make a good wheelbarrow, then realise that they have collapsed 

        under their own weight and you have shoved their head into the soil.

(d) Allow the race to proceed as you cannot see how this event could possibly breach any of the 

        basic health and/or safety laws.

7. A teacher comes at you and your wheelbarrow partner with a piece of string. They tie your left 

        leg to your partner's right leg. What do you do?

(a) Devise a rhythmic chant which helps you both walk at the same speed.

(b) Attempt to run the race with very little regard for your partner's safety/ligaments.

(c) Wish really hard that the Sports Day fairy will intervene and make it rain.

(d) Explain that the politically correct term for the race is 'the race for persons of augmented 

        appendage quantity' and insist that it is referred to in this way in future so as not to upset any 

        real 3-legged people.

How did you score?

Mostly A’s

You are highly competitive; in fact you have probably done all you can to ensure you did better at this quiz than anyone else.

Mostly B’s

You are competitive though a victory through any means is acceptable. You are the type of person who uses cheat codes on computer games before playing without them first.

Mostly C’s

Though the spirit of competition is within you somewhere, you'd rather be somewhere else doing something else and coming last does as much damage to your ego as tripping over when nobody is watching.

Mostly D’s

Congratulations on your successful career in Middle Management.


Read more 'Playground Olympics' in the book 'Playground Olympics : an alternative guide to playground games', available now from Amazon.  Click here for details.

British Bulldog (an alternative guide)

British Bulldog

Initiation

Before the game can commence, one must 'drum up' interest in a manner which is in-keeping with the high-testosterone level needed to participate. It is possible to initiate the game alone but the results are far more effective with three to five people. Each member of the initiation party must put their arms around each other's shoulders, thus forming a kind of 'clothes line' and then chant the following mantra in unison: "Join in if you want to play British Bulldog". 

Join in if you want to play 'facing the wrong way'

The chant must be monotone and in no way jovial or jaunty. This chanting press-gang must march about the playground recruiting players; those who feel their masculinity has been thrown into question should they not join (or feel that they have something to prove) will place an arm around the person on the end of the line and join the chanting and marching. Once it is deemed that enough people have joined the line, the game can begin. This recruitment process usually lasts for the full duration of playtime, and those recruited should agree to reconvene at the next available window between lessons.

Selection of the Dog

As the title of the game suggests, one person must be selected to be the British Bulldog. This person must embody the spirit of all things British (Eggnog, Fish and Chips, fine rain etc.) and as such, is generally selected by default as they are the best fighter in the school. Another method of selecting the dog is by doing a 'dip' – this game's dip differs from other accepted dips as each player gathers in a circle and puts one foot forward (creating a circle of feet). 

Dip do, magazoo, who's got the worst shoe?

The person who initiated the game points at one shoe per syllable of a rhyme such as, 'My mother and your mother were hanging out the clothes. My mother gave your mother a punch on the nose (unprovoked).  What colour was the blood?'. The person whose shoe has been selected must then select a colour. The colour is spelled out (one shoe per letter in a clockwise fashion) and the person whose shoe is last to be pointed at is deemed to be the dog.

Field of play

It is a huge relief to be chosen as the dog; the reason for which will become clear later. The playing area should be a large open space bordered by two parallel walls known as 'bays'. Touching a wall renders you immune from capture and so the game begins with everyone (bar the dog who stands between the two walls) standing against one wall.

Nobody knows what they're playing, who's 'it' or what day it is

 Red Rover, calls you over

The dog or Red Rover in some variations of the game (which may be why Rover is such a popular name for dogs) then selects someone from the nervous throng clinging to the wall for dear life. The player selected first is either a slow runner, the worst fighter or 'due a kicking' from the dog for putting woodlice in their bag of crisps the other day when they weren't looking. The selected player must leave the wall they are sweatily pawing, and reach the one opposite without being tagged. Depending on whether adults are supervising, the dog can either touch the target player, capture them and pin them to the ground or grab them and pat them on the head whilst shouting the words 'One, two, three, British Bull Dog'. If the player is caught then he or she joins the dog in the middle for the next round. 

Charge! Why? Who cares?

Should the player evade capture and reach the other wall, a mass migration by the rest of the players from one wall to the other is signaled. During this passage of play, it is common for the dog to get trampled in the mêlée, unless the dog is Biffa (the school bully) – in which case, he can choose to capture anyone he is able to and they must then join him in the middle for the next round.

999

Play continues with the number of dogs increasing exponentially and a new player being called over and mauled. A scenario soon develops in which the entire school are dogs save for one nimble exhausted player, clinging to the wall as if it were a rope ladder dangling from an airborne helicopter. The glory of being the last player to be captured is inversely outweighed by the thought of being caught and pinned to the ground as someone will inevitably shout the words 'pile on' which invites everyone in earshot to lie on top of the one who has fallen. The game ends when the paramedics arrive.

"Does anyone else regret doing this and feel a bit weird now?  No? Just me?"


Read more 'Playground Olympics' in the book 'Playground Olympics : an alternative guide to playground games', available now from Amazon.  Click here for details.